$41.46

I'm walking to the local Coinstar to cash out my 25 lbs of change.  I think some of those quarters have been in my possession for 5 years, sitting in a big baggie in my car waiting for just the right parking meter or toll booth. I keep thinking of that scene from Money Ball where he says to himself, "what am I doing".  It relaxes me a bit. I'm a tangled ball of jangled nerves, have been for the last few days.  


I use Brad Pitt's line as a justification, or rationalization, or something with a "tion" on the end of it.  If you're not asking yourself that question every once in a while, your playing it safe, you're not challenging yourself.  You're staying inside the box.  At least that's what I tell myself.  


One thing I do know, this adventure has already payed dividends, and I haven't even gotten on the Texas Eagle yet. Packing up your life, and saying goodbye to everyone really gives you a profound appreciation for the only thing in life that really matters, the people you love.  Everything else is just a waste of time.  I know you know that, but I sometimes forget. I now have that in my pocket along with $41.46.

The Beginning of Something

I don't dare call this a painting, think of it as an exercise of brush strokes and color.  Much like the first day of kindergarten.

The Black Paintings

I'm reading a book about Picasso and the author mentions Francisco Goya, another iconic Spanish painter. Off to Wikipedia, is it done pouting, good. The most interesting works created by Goya are named the "Black Paintings". Supposedly, at the end of his life, Goya had become very misanthropic, and his outlook was heavily reflected in about a dozen murals he painted on the walls of his two story villa. The are truly haunting and creepy and amazing.  One art historian put it like this in describing the series: "the most essential to our understanding of the human condition in modern times"

Unfortunately, Goya's most famous works may not be his.  Experts discovered that when the house was sold after he had lived there, it was a one story house, so how could the murals have been painted on a floor that did not exists.  The most plausible scenario is that his son Javier painted them, but when Javier's son, Goya's grandson, went to sell the house, in order to get a higher price he claimed his grandfather had painted them. 

Today they hang in the Museo del Prado in Madrid, and are still attributed to Goya.  Either way, they will haunt your soul, if you dare look at them.

Goodbye Friend

During the last 6 years I have spent more time with her then anybody else. Everyday on the anxious drive to work, everyday home to a sense of relief and slight joy. She was with me on the many long drives to Santa Cruz to visit Melanie, and also on those tear filled journeys returning home without her. She went with us to every Chargers games and to every event throughout my children's high school days, soccer matches, a night at the movies, out to eat, and to the hospital to see Kaelynn for the first time....

It was a little bit surreal watching them drive her away, just another car, to be haggled over and sold off to somebody else for a profit. I hope whoever they are they take good care of her, I will miss her.

Amazing Journey

As my key chain gets lighter and lighter, and the number of bills I have to pay each month dwindles, this delicious sense of freedom comes with a cost.  Doesn't everything.  Every time I share a moment with my son, or Kaelynn and Melissa, I get sad thinking that it will be a long time before I will see them again.  Will Kaelynn even remember me?  It's so heartbreaking when she yells out "amp-pa" and I know I'm not going to be there for a long time.

I have rationalized all the reasons why I need to do this.  I've been stuck in a rut, both professionally and personally for a very long time, my right brain needs a chance to flourish, I need to see the world before I am too old. I want to be something different, something better then what I am.  I know that means nothing to a two year old, but I hope that somewhere down the road, she will understand, and it may help her in her amazing journey.