Do Better At This

This keeps happening to me and I walk away from these encounters shaking my head disappointed and feeling/wishing I had handled it much different.  The other day a woman was walking up 7th, away from skid row towards downtown. She looked to be about 30, and was carrying a blanket.  Probably her only possession. I was waiting for a bus and she caught my eye, I think because her eyes looked clear and for lack of a better word, sane.

There seems to be various levels of sanity on the street.  Some people I pass are not only talking to themselves, but involved in a heated discussion with thin air.  Others seem almost normal, clear eyed, lucid and can carry on "normal" conversation.  Not that I would know what that's like myself.  Of course I'm completely ignorant on the mental condition of the homeless. These are just observation and conjecture. I couldn't tell you if time is what makes the difference between being almost completely gone or just one click removed from having a roof over ones head and watching television.

I was wearing sunglasses but I think she could tell I was looking at her eyes.  She slightly diverted course and said something like "Can you spare a quarter to catch the Dash"  The Dash is a line of small buses that run around downtown for only 50 cents. "I just don't want to walk all the way uptown"  Me:  "Honestly, if I had it I would." This was not a lie, I didn't have any change in my pocket.  "It's OK honey"  she said with a smile and kept walking.
The second after the words came out of my mouth I regretted it.  I had my metro link ticket so I was not paying for any bus fair for the whole day, but I also had my TAP card and could have easily just paid the 50 cents for her bus ride.  But I didn't.  It's not that she was starving and in great need, but what the hell, I can afford to give someone a bus ride.  Why not.

My instant reaction upon being asked for anything on the street is NO.  I don't know you, I don't trust you.  You are probably just scamming me for money and it's my money.  I always regret feeling this way and worse acting this way. This is a bad habit I want to break.

This morning, a friend had come to stay with me in LA and after the required early morning Starbucks visit, we walked down Broadway towards the impressive Eastern Building that glowed in the early morning light.  As we approached the lobby, which many times has a doorman, there was a man laying on the ground. He asked me something which my brain instantly converted into a plea for money.  "No" he said "I just want help getting up"  This was not a scam, he was a mess, soaked in urine and clothes that were caked in dirt.  Mentally he was not gone but physically he was a mess, and very weak.  I went over and tried to help him up, it was not easy, he was stiff and weak.  As soon as I got him off the ground and on his two feet he started to go over again and I caught him before he smacked into the ground.  I didn't know what to do, he was now closer to the curb and I got his wet blanket and covered him with it.  "Do you want me to call someone" I asked.  "No, they'll just take me to county" he said.  He seemed clear headed, just weak.

I have a list of excuses, I was with a friend, I didn't want the police or paramedics messing with him.  He'd be fine.  But as I walked away I felt heartbroken and horrible.  He needed help and I didn't help him.  As we got down the block I looked back and he was on his feet walking very slowly down the street. As we packed up to head back to Orange County we put all the leftover food and some cookies into a shopping bag and we went back to see if we could give him the food but of course he was gone and nowhere to be found.

I always rail on this countries ridiculous war on the poor, how we blame them for everything from financial collapse and national debt to high insurance rates. And yet when faced with it, I react the same way.  This card carrying liberal did nothing when another human being needed my help.  I need to do better at this, I will do better at this.